Why Won’t Anyone Let Me Give Them Highlights?

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Who doesn’t love a good old fashioned makeover? I certainly do. Lately I’ve been thinking about them more than ever, now that I’m not doing much else. If there was ever a time for bravery, or chaos, or both, it is now I think. And yet I have been shocked to learn that not one of the people sharing close quarters with me has been down to serve as a human mannequin on which to test my wildest beauty fantasies. Have thou no pity for the bored? If my frazzled brain could come up with better ways to plead my case, here are some homebound activities that I’d successfully convince them are Cool, Fun, and Definitely A Good Idea.

Give My Mom Balayage Highlights

The way I feel about balayage is the same way I feel about tempering chocolate: I’ve watched enough people do it enough times that I know exactly how it should be done. I feel confident that I could replicate it, and I own enough gloves at this moment to feel like it’s a sign. A little mixy-mixy with the bleach, some foil, some teasing, swipeys in that V-shape along each one-inch piece of hair, give it a second to lift, rinse, tone… That’s all the steps, right? And worst case scenario, we’ll dye it back! Or, uh, I guess the worst case scenario is the hair melts off. But that won’t happen. I think.

Shave My Brother’s Head

Look, let’s just be real: the women in my family have shiny, lush, thick-with-two-c’s ponytails, and the men are bald. So this is bound to happen anyway. Why not ride fate’s bumper until I either rear-end it or run it off the road? I’m pretty sure my brother already has a shaver doo-dad in his bathroom, and I have the whole process thought out: We’ll stand outside so I don’t make a mess in the bathroom and… that’s the whole plan, I guess. It’s truly mind-boggling that, considering the uncertainty his next haircut appointment is hanging in, he won’t just let me do this. Based on his strong bone structure and enviable eyebrows, he might even look better bald! Let’s just sprint to the finish line!

Wax My Dad’s Back

I went to college, but I also went to beauty school—the former was expensive, and the latter is shaping up to be much more helpful right now. When I was in school I took to waxing like a fish in water. Spread, strip, riiiiip, spread, strip, riiiiiiiiiiip—I was speed waxing by our second lesson, probably because this dark-haired Jewess has been getting waxed for as long as I can remember. With all that experience under my belt, it seems unwise (on his part) that my dad won’t just let me wax his back. I can literally do this one, guys! And could really use the emotional release of causing someone else physical pain right now! Also open to waxing his: upper arms, hairy toes, and chest.

Cut Bangs On My Roommate

My roommate has some of the best hair I’ve ever seen. No, really. Not only does it naturally look like she’s had a blowout, like, all the time, but it grows like her head’s been dipped in fertilizer. So realistically by the time this is all over, what started out as bangs will look more like long, face-framing layers. I’ll just grab a chunk from both sides of her head, have them meet up in the center of her forehead, brush them out, twist them around (this is what all the kids on TikTok do) and then snip. It even sounds easy to me when I write it out like that! But quick question: you think scissors of the craft or eyebrow variety will work better?

Give Pedicures To My Dogs

The activity that will take the least amount of cajoling effort on my part, as one of them is elderly and the other weighs 15 pounds and is easily hold still-able. I do suppose the only thing stopping me from actioning this is the fact that manicures on dogs generally freak me out. I’m already unsettled enough right now. But if I do go for it, I’m taking shade suggestions in the comments.

Gather My Loved Ones And Open An Honest Dialogue About Our Collective Anxiety

More of an inner, wellness makeover than an outer one per se, doesn’t this sound like something Goop Lab might devote an episode to? We could all sit around the kitchen table and take turns enacting our deep-seated anxieties replete with the sights and sounds of a full-blown panic attack. Why doesn’t anyone want to do this with me? Sure, it might be the most far-fetched suggestion on this list, but you know where to find me if you change your mind.

—Ali Oshinsky

Photo via ITG





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